Thursday, May 04, 2006

There's an article in my college newspaper in which I am featured. Witness:

Yes, it's a long address; just click on it, all right?

I got out of full-day treatment and am now eating dinner on my own. It's a fucking struggle, but I have to believe that it will ultimately be worth it. Anorexia is a cast-iron bitch, no denying it. Apologies for the language, but it feels like the shortest, most adequate way to convey the depth of needless, pointless, fruitless suffering this disease causes. And some days the cure feels worse than the disease. Case in point: today I feel so bloated and full that I'm wondering if perhaps I accidentally ended up pregnant; this feels like, oh, the eighth or ninth month.

I'm also reading a great book called "The Wisdom of No Escape" by Pema Chodron (there are umlauts over both of the O's in her name, but I can't figure out how to make umlauts show up; I usually choose the 'special characters' option in Corel, since I regularly have to summon up those weird sideways colons for German literature papers, but no dice here). It's about just sitting with feelings--negative or positive--not judging, simply being.

Just be.

1 comment:

Jenni said...

Anne, I am relieved to read another entry and at least hear that you are alive. First, your bravery in speaking out against sexual assult is amazing. You are so strong- You've Got Ovaries!

I am sorry to hear though that this disease is causing you so much pain. When I am "doing" things well, I feel suicidal and as if relief will only come if wrihe out of my stretched and taut skin. I can following an exchange and excercise plan perfectly, but even just sitting here inside of my body and feeling the skin of my stomach fold as I tuck my knee to my chest makes me intensely angry.

I have been doing DBT which helps at times with my overwhelming feelings of helplessness and rage. I really relate to what you were saying about just accepting the feelings, even the shitty ones. One thing that I have learned is that you don't have to feel okay to be okay.

I'm "doing" okay, I sure as hell don't feel okay.

Let's fight for each other and for all future women that have this crippling life taking disease.