Thursday, August 24, 2006

Oh my God, kids! I think it might be time for another installment of Things (And People) That Piss Me Off! Hooray!

1. The people who saunter down the middle of the sidewalk at approximately 0.05 miles per hour when I'm hauling balls to get somewhere (either because I'm running or because I'm about to be late for a class).
2. People who take up time in seminars asking bullshit questions that are phrased so as to sound profound but which, once all the trappings and "isms" and name dropping has been cleared away ("Well, as Deleuze said about Derrida's friend Foucault's ass...") is actually the height of ignorance. Especially crappy when the professor tries to gently tell them they're full of it, but they KEEP ASKING ANYWAY because they're THICK AS A BRICK (to quote a Jethro Tull song). It's not the stupidity I object to--I can forgive that. It's the pretense.
3. Fish that is not salmon or fish sticks. I haven't eaten either in a while, but I remember that as a kid I loved me some damn Mrs. Paul's fishsticks, with the homemade tartar sauce my mom put together (Recipe: take mayonnaise, canned pickle relish, and a little lemon juice. Mix.) It's the breading, I think--it masks that fishy taste. That, and the fat.
4. Watermelon. Watermelon flavored candy. Melon in general. Calling breasts "melons."
5. All the women on campus wearing skirts that, I swear to Jeevis, are six inches long. Sooner or later one of the guys (or gals, for that matter) is going to be so entranced by these articles of clothing--essentially very wide belts--that he's going to walk straight into a tree. On second thought, that would amuse me very much.
6. Let's say you actually find a good magazine in a waiting room. Let's make it an issue of Curve (a lesbian lifestyle magazine). Let's further say that you see an article in the table of contents that interests you very much. So you flip to that page and find...that someone has torn it out of the magazine. They should be consigned to the tenth level of hell, which they will share with people who tear things out of public yellow pages and those who tip less than 15 percent.
7. Popped collars. You aren't from the 'hood; you're the son of an investment banker and a socialite/fundraiser. Also, your name is Sterling and you're from Long Island. Go screw.
8. People who say things like, "I don't think there's anything wrong with gays; I just don't think they should be (insert profession here: teachers, clergy, etc)." Obviously you DO have a problem with gays and lesbians. Here are your options: either stop being so homophobic (the best option), or take it to the hoop and admit that homosexuals creep you out.
9. Thousand Island dressing. First, that orange can't be found in nature. Second, it tastes like someone's already eaten it.
10. Apropos of this week's events: Frat boys who don't know that saying "I'd fuck you" to a stranger is not a compliment; it's a crime. My prescription: a week in a woman's body, Tiresias-style, to get a feeling for just how degrading and scary that attention can be.

1 comment:

Aida said...

"I don't think there's anything wrong with gays; I just don't think they should be (insert profession here: teachers, clergy, etc)."

I know what you mean. >_> I find it horribly amusing that acquaintances of mine (and my family, too, actually) think that "blacks are okay", but that if a white person is with a black person, they're ruining their race/it's horrible/it can't be serious/etc. "No, I'm not a racist!" Yeah, you're not a racist but you think that black boy is not enough for me just because he's black, even though he may be the best guy in the universe?

Come the fuck on.