Friday, July 27, 2007

When I do have my periods, they're always around the full moon. Fun, huh? So it's time for a double-insanity round of Things That Piss Me Off.

1. Menstrual cramps that require Darvocet, or at a minimum 800 mg of ibuprofen and a shot of grain alcohol. (Note: combining NSAIDs and alcohol is not recommended).

2. Misuse of the apostrophe. See: taco's, tomatoe's; or vice-versa, as in "Its a beautiful day." It makes me want to bludgeon someone with a grammar textbook.

3. People who listen to conservative talk radio.

4. Bill O'Reilly. I watched his show the other day (I couldn't help it, it was on the TV at the gym and I was on the treadmill...his little gremlin eyebrows fascinated me so, I couldn't look away) and I swear it gave me incredible GI upset. I ran a really fast time, but only because I was pretending to be fleeing him.

5. People whose conversational range is limited to their husbands' actions, opinions, etc. It's kind of pathetic. Get a life (and a brain) of your own. Sure, talk about your husband if you want. Just not 100% of the time. Anyone who talks about one thing 100% of the time is creepy.

6. People who still don't "believe" in global warming, which at this point is like saying you don't "believe" in gravity. OK, Newton, drive your SUV off a cliff and see what effect your belief (or lack thereof) has on your rapid descent to the pointy rocks below.

7. People who mow their lawns when I'm trying to run past their houses. I recognize they have the right to mow their lawns; whatever. I never claimed these were all logical complaints. I have horrendous allergies to grass, and if you're going to be spraying aerosolized grass clippings all over as I run past, you might as well just come out into the street and suckerpunch me in the gut. This goes double for you, person who just mowed his lawn three days ago. I'm watching you.

8. The fact that there is a "Bratz" movie coming out. You know, the dolls you can buy at Wal-Mart that are supposed to be nine or ten years old but instead look like chubby, big-eyed prostitutes? Like a Keane painting minus 90% of the clothing? They're expanding their reach. I'm waiting to see which one of the girls gets pregnant. As if young women and girls aren't already prematurely sexualized. Bah!

9. Cubicles. I believe I have sufficiently addressed this already.

10. "Grillers" Boca Burgers. I love veggie burgers, but this kind makes me want to ralph. If I wanted something to taste like "real meat," I'd eat real meat, OK? And if I wanted it grilled, I wouldn't heat it up in the microwave, capisce? So chill with the smoke flavoring.

Let's Neuter Michael Vick

So, Michael Vick (of the Atlanta Falcons) is alleged to have bred pitbulls for fighting, and he also killed some of his dogs by gunshot, electrocution, drowning and other nasty means that sound more appropriate for a 3rd world dictatorship ( Alleged...don't you love legal language? Innocent until proven guilty, even if you're found standing next to a corpse with a gun in your hand and blood on your shirt. Don't get me wrong, the Bill of Rights rocks the casbah--hear that, Bush? The Bill of Rights is not negotiable--and of course I believe Vick deserves a fair trial...I just think he's guilty as hell). Who's the real animal, I ask you? Dude just entered a 'not guilty plea' in Virginia yesterday, and he potentially faces six years in prison...which sounds extremely appropriate to me. More, perhaps.

He's been told not to bother coming to the Falcons' training camp this summer, but he's still being paid. A man who tortured and killed innocent animals for his own sick enjoyment is still being paid millions by the NFL for, essentially, taking a vacation. I call bullshit on you, NFL. So does can sign a petition to get Vick suspended without pay here.

You can buy a T-shirt with the message "Neuter Vick" here.

Now, I'm about to step into some potentially dangerous waters here, but a lot of people are saying that the only reason the public/judicial system is treating Vick's behavior as criminal is that he's a black man. If this were one of the Manning brothers, for instance (FYI: I literally know less about the NFL than I know about the Chinese language, which is also very little and limited primarily to restaurant items and the words for flower, sister, love and woman, so I had to look up the names of some white football players on the Interwebs to come up with those names), these people allege, (that word again) would people care? I think least, I would. Animal cruelty is a truly despicable crime; you can tell a great deal about a person from the way that they treat those who are powerless--children, animals, the elderly, the mentally handicapped. Also, by the way, cruelty to animals is one of the signs of a psychopath (granted, this sign usually emerges in childhood or adolescence, and is combined with bedwetting and firestarting to round out what's called the "MacDonald triad." it if you don't believe me). I guess what I'm trying to say is...when someone abuses another living creature, the only color I see is red.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

What the hell are the Republicans doing? Click here to see...

So, the GOP has decided that it's worth denying poor children healthcare in order to symbolically moon the Democrats. The problem is, they're also telling thousands of uninsured kids to kiss their asses. "If those kids want health insurance, why don't they go out and get jobs? Seriously. Doesn't everyone get free top-of-the-line healthcare like families of the House and Senate do? Oh, wait..."

As Tom Tomorrow's Sparky the Penguin would say, "Wankers."

It's interesting that we're paying to set up quality public schools (free of religious influence) and universal healthcare in IRAQ--but not here. Because that would be socialized medicine and devil-worship just like those Canadians, and then we'd have to put a beaver on our quarters instead of an eagle and replace the other eagle on the President's seal with a moose, and we're Americans, dammit. We hunt beaver and moose (but not eagles, because they're endangered, and anyway moose is much more delicious. Have you ever had moose? *shudder of delight*). We don't put them on flags and such.
Seriously though, I don't eat meat. I have no idea what moose would taste like. Probably like beef, only...moosier.

Waiting for the caffeine to kick in...still feeling a little dreamy and delirious...

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Field Guide to People at the Hospital

1. Hauling ass down the hall at approximately mach five. Wearing nice clothes under a white coat. Has more electronic devices attached to them than a cardiac care patient--phone, pager (sometimes plural), Palm Pilot, etc. May act like the most important person in the area code. Congrats, you've found a doctor (note: surgeons are the same genus, but a different species: they wear scrubs, and act like they're the most important person in the tri-state area).

2. Also hauling ass, but wearing scrubs; may wear colorful scrub tops with seasonal themes (leaves in autumn, Santa and holly or snowmen in December, pumpkins around Halloween). Manages stress with grace; deals with constant bullshit from patients and doctors alike without snapping and putting a bedpan over anyone's head (usually). This is the nurse (note: primarily a description of RNs, but of some LPNs as well). RN=Registered Nurse; LPN=Licensed Practical Nurse. An RN has a greater degree of education than an LPN (and frequently has more of a clue what's going on than our next breed, the intern).

3. Dressed like a doctor, but looking distinctly more bewildered, as if caught in the headlights of an oncoming Mack truck (the role of the truck is frequently played by the attending physician). Most prized possession: the new top-of-the-line Lippmann stethoscope they went hungry for two weeks to pay for. Don't hide it as a practical joke, and certainly don't borrow it to auscultate to heartsounds of the gentleman in room 47--the one with impetigo. Diet consists of bagels and danish at morning meetings, pizza at Grand Rounds, the odd catered meal from a pharmaceutical rep, cafeteria food when there's nothing free available, and odds-n-ends from the vending machines when spending the night on call. Oh, and coffee. Lots of delicious, delicious coffee. This is the intern. Or resident--the difference is much smaller than either group makes it out to be.

More to come!

Monday, July 09, 2007

Cubicle walls are designed to make you feel as if you have your own office--that's the charitable explanation. Less charitable--that they function much as blinders do for horses, preventing you from seeing the outside world and pondering its beauty in a way that might detract from your productivity. Downright nasty--they are tiny cells. Not like cells for monks, conducive to meditation; no, the flickering fluorescent lights eliminate that interpretation (thank the Goddess I'm not epileptic...oh, wait, I am). Nein, they are like little plastic-and-upholstery, beige and grey solitary confinement chambers. But with wide open doors, so people can look into your cube and see what you're doing (like, say, blogging, or cleaning your ears).

I moved to a new 'space' on a new floor. Pros: better lighting. I am near an actual window. There are plants. I have corkboards in my new cube to which I may affix anything--anything!--I please (OK, maybe no small mammals, but you get the idea). My phone line actually works now. I have a mousepad that states boldly, "GP IIb-IIa inhibitors block the final common pathway to platelet aggregation," which I guess is I a good thing; the folks at Schering seem excited about it.

Cons: I am distanced from my new work friends, who work on the fifth floor, but I could go have lunch with them if I wanted. I am also distanced from the break room, and thus from coffee, pastries and the slightly grossitating condiment drawer, filled with ketchup and soy sauce and ranch dressing packets from lunches of yore. And that's pretty much it. Perhaps it's just as well I won't be tempted by the siren song of cheese danish after morning meetings.