Friday, July 27, 2007

When I do have my periods, they're always around the full moon. Fun, huh? So it's time for a double-insanity round of Things That Piss Me Off.

1. Menstrual cramps that require Darvocet, or at a minimum 800 mg of ibuprofen and a shot of grain alcohol. (Note: combining NSAIDs and alcohol is not recommended).

2. Misuse of the apostrophe. See: taco's, tomatoe's; or vice-versa, as in "Its a beautiful day." It makes me want to bludgeon someone with a grammar textbook.

3. People who listen to conservative talk radio.

4. Bill O'Reilly. I watched his show the other day (I couldn't help it, it was on the TV at the gym and I was on the treadmill...his little gremlin eyebrows fascinated me so, I couldn't look away) and I swear it gave me incredible GI upset. I ran a really fast time, but only because I was pretending to be fleeing him.

5. People whose conversational range is limited to their husbands' actions, opinions, etc. It's kind of pathetic. Get a life (and a brain) of your own. Sure, talk about your husband if you want. Just not 100% of the time. Anyone who talks about one thing 100% of the time is creepy.

6. People who still don't "believe" in global warming, which at this point is like saying you don't "believe" in gravity. OK, Newton, drive your SUV off a cliff and see what effect your belief (or lack thereof) has on your rapid descent to the pointy rocks below.

7. People who mow their lawns when I'm trying to run past their houses. I recognize they have the right to mow their lawns; whatever. I never claimed these were all logical complaints. I have horrendous allergies to grass, and if you're going to be spraying aerosolized grass clippings all over as I run past, you might as well just come out into the street and suckerpunch me in the gut. This goes double for you, person who just mowed his lawn three days ago. I'm watching you.

8. The fact that there is a "Bratz" movie coming out. You know, the dolls you can buy at Wal-Mart that are supposed to be nine or ten years old but instead look like chubby, big-eyed prostitutes? Like a Keane painting minus 90% of the clothing? They're expanding their reach. I'm waiting to see which one of the girls gets pregnant. As if young women and girls aren't already prematurely sexualized. Bah!

9. Cubicles. I believe I have sufficiently addressed this already.

10. "Grillers" Boca Burgers. I love veggie burgers, but this kind makes me want to ralph. If I wanted something to taste like "real meat," I'd eat real meat, OK? And if I wanted it grilled, I wouldn't heat it up in the microwave, capisce? So chill with the smoke flavoring.

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