Monday, February 11, 2008

Medical Monday

Today I had a stress test. I am now attached to a Holter monitor, a 24-hour heart monitor. Tomorrow I'm having an EGD (esophogastroduodenoscopy--ie, they're gonna put a tube down my esophagus and look at my stomach) and a colonoscopy (4 feet of tubing going in the other direction--they won't quite meet in the middle, thanks to the luxurious length of the small intestine...but close enough).

I'm not on my period per se, but there's spotting going on, and cramping, and I'm not in a good mood.

The woman doing my stress test today seemed to feel like her convenience was more important than me having my chest adequately draped (Thelma and Louise aren't much, but damned if they aren't all I have) while putting on/taking off the electrodes. Also, she scraped the hell out of my skin before she put the electrodes on. I know you need to exfoliate away some of that excess epithelial goodness, but for Goddess' sake leave me some skin, and put the alcohol swabs on BEFORE, not AFTER. I was not pleased with her. Not pleased at all.
I did fifteen minutes on a Bruce protocol, which surely means something to some reader out there, and was told that the doctor would get back with me about the results soon. Within 1 minute of getting off the treadmill, my heartrate went from 140 to 62. This did please me, and I thought I'd brag about it. *Sings along to The Streets* "You're fit but my God girl you know it!*

Holter monitor itches, and the box is in an awkward location at the front of my body, but I was warned stringently and repeatedly Not. To. F*ck. With. It. So I'm trying to be good, and moving very stiffly to avoid detaching the leads.

Tonight will be the colonoscopy prep (I've been on clear liquids all day thus far) which will mean drinking a gallon--yes, a gallon--of Golytely. Which should really be named GoHardly, or GoFastly, or something similar, because currently it is the biggest misnomer I can think of. So tonight, I will be drinking foul laxatives, eating Jello, and reading the complete works of Marcel Proust on the can.

1 comment:

The anonymous therapist said...

GoLytely is an abomination onto mankind. I have seen it turn little old men into demonic shit-spewing fiends who run about hospitals at night and spray poo onto everything, and I have seen it completely knock the wind out from large burly men. You have my sympathies.