Wednesday, March 12, 2008

SEX!!! Or, how STDs are NOT like quantum physics

Well, Wednesday is hump day, no? Number one-- I walk into work today, and what do I see on the front page of the newspaper, above the fold? This. One in four teenage girls in the US has an STD, apparently. Included in the article was a shout-out from a doctor at Children's Mercy that made me proud to call KCMO home: "We have historically seen lots and lots of STDs among teens in Kansas City,” Lynch said. “It’s a very sexually active, sexually promiscuous crowd that doesn’t practice safe sex. And therein lies the problem.” Yee-haw. I'll comment more on this later; suffice it to say, young ladies (and gents, though it seems the gentlemen are less likely to incur society's wrath for picking up the clap--boys will be boys, after all): Use a condom. Every time. This isn't like quantum physics, where there's a strange probability cloud of electrons around the nucleus and you can get away with saying, "There's only going to be chlamydia there 80% of the time, and the other 20% it's in some paralell universe, so if I rubber up 80% of the time it's ok." No. Say it with me: no.

No matter how hard some guys may try to convince you that their dick is the thing around which the cosmos themselves revolve, a dick is not a nucleus, gonorrhea is (are?) not electrons, and it's not Werner Heisenberg you'll be cursing when you have to get a dose-pak of antibiotics at the pharmacy. That said, sex is fun, sex is good, and orgasms are better than chocolate-covered peanut butter fudge sprinkled with pure, uncut Columbian cocaine. So take care of yourself once in a while, or more frequently, as you choose; use protection; be monogamous (and remember that you being monogamous doesn't mean a whole lot if your partner ain't).

Also, Eliot Spitzer (as I saw on the news at the gym) may have spent as much as $80,000 on prostitutes. Really? A politician--a man who has made a career out of saying one thing and doing another, a sanctimonious ass, a "family values" apologist who would as soon kick a baby as kiss one (legal disclaimer: I am not saying Eliot Spitzer kicks babies, as that would be either libel or slander, which I know I learned about in high school government class but didn't care about then and care less about now. Though it stands to reason that kicking them might tenderize them for when he eats them, which is common knowledge) would see a prostitute? And conceal it? No, that wasn't what surprised me. I was surprised by the sheer sum of money. Either Eliot was Spitzing it with some high-class ladies, or he was screwing six ways to Sunday, or both.

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