Monday, June 30, 2008

What the hell's wrong with you NOW?

It's always something. No, not really, but every few months it's something. This time it's the fact that my uvula (you know, the little thing that hangs in the back of your throat) is seven different kinds of swollen. Ew. Problems swallowing, gagging...severe grossitude and discomfort, in other words. I'll hit the urgent care tonight just in case (because while it could just be allergies, my throat also hurts like hell and the last thing I need is a midnight trip to the ER with epiglottitis--that shit don't play--or to carry around undiagnosed strep and have it migrate to my pericardium or some retarded thing. Hypochondriacally speaking I'm not anxious; I'm pragmatic. I have things to do, and so let's catch whatever's going on now when I can get azithromycin or a recipe for Magic Mouthwash, rather than waiting until nothing will clear it up but speed-infused IV gorillacillin). Uvulitis, it's called, proving once again that medicine will dress anything up in Latin and try to take it to the prom: inflammation of the uvula. Who'd've thought? But--and this actually is kinda cool--uvula means "little grape" in Latin; it's the diminutive form of uva, "grape or berry." Ooh, now things are coming together--uva ursi, bearberry, that diuretic herb...ursa major, big bear, the constellation...and to think people say Latin is dead.
So in the meantime I'm taking it easy [read:I only spent a half-hour at the gym] having Ramen (I tried to eat a Smart Dog for lunch first. It's like a hot dog, but made of soy protein instead; totally cholesterol and fat free, for those of you who are into that sort of thing. In any case, sore gaggy throat + food that's a choking hazard even when you can swallow well = one of the worst plans since Napoleon said, hey, why NOT try to invade Russia during the winter?) and, quite possibly, taking a little snooze when I'm done here. A naparino. Did you know naparinos exist? They're just like neutrinos, the subatomic particles that have been garnering such attention and obscene research funding lately (not that I'm angry that the NES and NIH have been taking huge hits, or that the Gubmint has been taking money from mental health and sexual health research and funneling it into other more important things, like underpaying soldiers and denying them their benefits, not to mention the people on the "other side" of the war whose lives are in many cases significantly more screwed up now than they were ten years ago). But yes, naparinos--like neutrinos--pass right through you and your computer and EVERYTHING. But unlike neutrinos, which pass unnoticed thousands of times per minute, naparinos are a once-every-few-days kind of thing, and when they hit you...zzzzzz...

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