Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Oh my Goddess, Head to Toe Beauty!

Seriously, guys, seriously. Someone in the beauty industry needs to slow their roll. I was reading "Fitness" ("Fitness: The magazine that will make you feel like shit about yourself no matter how fit, toned, beautiful and conscientious you are") at the gym yesterday and they had a feature story on 'Head to Toe Beauty!'
Parenthetical: What is it with women's magazine writers, anyway? Do they get paid per exclamation point? It always makes me feel like I'm being shouted at. I don't appreciate being bullied by punctuation. I for one treat exclamation points like small bombs; I can't remember the last time I used a 'happy' exclamation point (ie, "Oh my gosh, Karen! How did you know I wanted a new Hitachi Magic Wand for my birthday?"). Usually they're 'outraged' exclamation points, ie, "Jesus Christ on a stick, John McCain, did you seriously mean that allowing Guantanamo prisoners habeas rights was the worst judicial ruling in US history?!? Worse than the Dredd Scott decision that declared slaves, even in free states, to be property and not people and thus without the right to sue? Worse than the case that allowed government-run programs to sterilize the 'mentally disabled'?!"
(The Supreme Court really said that, in 1927. The case was called Buck vs. Bell) Furthermore I spend most of my punctuation allotment on parentheses, semicolons and ellipsis...but you knew that already.
So, I was in a very feministy frame of mind, and the soft-core consumerist Fitness porn that normally would've dragged me in left me feeling...disgusted. Disgruntled. Every single part of a woman's body, it seems, needs to be shaved, moisturized, exfoliated, painted, polished, tanned, toned, trimmed...Let's see how much this whole thing would cost us (you know, if this beauty stuff were cheap or free, there wouldn't be millions of dollars invested in making women feel like utter shit about themselves). All prices from Drugstore.com or off the top off my head--please don't mock me for knowing exactly how much stuff costs at Bath and Body Works; it's my secret, shameful addiction, like Paula Deen's smoking or Cheney's biting the heads off baby rabbits. This is not (duh) a plug for any of this stuff...quite the opposite, in fact. Just a little thought experiment. Let's start with the feet and work our way up.
Feet (I have to have sexy feet now? WTF? Who put the foot fetishist in charge of this month's issue of Elle is what I wanna know. Every summer there's a feature on 'getting your feet ready for sandal season.' Well, yeah, you don't want to look like you have hooves...but c'mon, they're FEET).
Exfoliating scrub--BBW "Toe the Line," 10.00
Deep conditioning shea butter lotion--BBW "Shea it isn't so," 10.00
OPI nail Lacquer for toes--8.00
Total: 28.00

Legs/Butt/Bikini Area etc.
Gillette Venus razor: 7.50 for three
Gillette Satin Care shave cream: 3.00 (available in Vanilla Dream scent, apparently...nothing says "ingrown hairs and bleeding in the bathtub" to me like baked goods...this may be why I haven't shaved in going on five years).
Nair: 5.00 (why Nair AND the shaving stuff? Because getting a razor anywhere near your va-jay-jay--as my friend Addie so endearingly calls it--is NOT a good idea. Then again, I don't know if slathering chemicals strong enough to strip hair right off in that area is an awesome plan either).
Nivea Body Goodbye Cellulite Smoothing Cream: 13.00 (Congratulations. You have just paid 13.00 for lotion that will do exactly the same thing as a 3.00 tub of Crisco: moisturize, and not much else).
L'Oreal Sunless Sublime Glow Tanner/Lotion: 10.00 (Multi-tasking, ooo-wee!)
Neutrogena Body Clear Bodywash (for backne!): 6.50
Neutrogena Sugar Body Scrub: 10.00 (You have to exfoliate before you self-tan, or you'll end up looking like a zebra with beta carotene overload).
Total: 55.00


Biore Self-Heating Masque: 7.50
Neutrogena Clean and Clear: 6.00
Olay Regenerist Microdermabrasion and Peel Set: 26.00
Aveeno Moisturizer, SPF 15: 12.00
Burt's Bees Lip Balm: 3.00 (OK, I am pimping this one. It's natural, not animal tested, and GREAT. I've been using Burt's Bees since before it was a 'thing,' about 10 years now).
Revlon colorstay eyeliner: 6.50
Max Factor Mascara: 5.00
L'Oreal HIP eyeshadow: 7.00
elf Mineral Concealer: 5.00
Jane LipHuggers: 3.00
Crest WhiteStrips: 25.00
Toal: 106

Clairol Natural Instincts: 8.00
Kiss my Face Volumizing Shampoo: 6.50
Burt's Bees Avocado Butter Hair Treament: 9.00
John Frieda finishing Creme: 5.00
Total: 28.50

For a grand total of 217.50. I could do the whole "How many homeless people could you feed for that?!?" thing, but I won't. How much better would you feel if you spent less time staring in the mirror judging your appearance, and more time figuring out if you really like the person you see there?

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