Monday, January 16, 2012

More things not to say to a lesbian

4.Are you hitting on me/are you attracted to me? Unless this is a prelude to flowers and a kiss, save it. If I haven't expressed a romantic interest in you, I probably don't feel one (or I'm horribly afraid of the inevitable rejection and months of sobbing into a pint of Chunky Monkey that would follow). Please don't assume that I like ALL ladies, just like I don't assume that my straight sisters like ALL guys, or that my pansexual friends like ALL EVERYONE (though I do know one pan friend who would probably cop to that. She's even into trees).
5. So, what do lesbians think about (insert topic here)? I'm not the spokesperson for All Lesbiandom. My turn is the last week in March (of course we rotate turns; we're lesbians!)--ask again then. But seriously, there is no monolithic Lesbian Opinion, just like there isn't any monolithic Female Opinion, or Indigenous Peoples Opinion, or whatever. Feel free to ask about what I feel as an individual, though...I have lots of awesome opinions to share.
6. Were you sexually abused/did you have a domineering mother/blah blah blah? That's actually and emphatically none of your business, unless we're very close friends and I've indicated I'm interested in discussing this, or you're my therapist. Let's assume for the sake of this that you're neither. What I think you're getting at is: did I have some experience that 'turned' me? I think it's safe to say that nature plays a big role in sexual orientation (as opposed to nurture, which also plays a role, but probably a smaller one). Not to be crass, but if sexual abuse caused homosexuality, I would have a much easier time finding dates; as for the 'domineering mother' hypothesis, please--come with me into the twenty-first century. We have iPhones and fat-free frozen yogurt and a thousand other small miracles. Leave the seventies behind.
7. You just haven't met the right guy yet. Right. I've just been going through this little phase for the past fifteen years. I'm sure someday my prince will come to me on a white horse, in a cloud of Axe body spray, biceps bulging as he pulls open his shirt to reveal a chest forested with hair as thick as--hold on a minute, I just threw up in my mouth a little.
8. Can I watch? A ha ha ha...NO.
9. My girlfriend and I (ALWAYS asked by a guy) are looking for someone for a threesome..? Oh, fun. May I suggest you invite a close mutual friend to join you, or failing that, hire an escort/prostitute to assist you in your endeavor? Because, you see, I'm not into guys, I don't know either of you from Eve, and even if I either of those first two statements were incorrect, I'm still not a fantasy-fulfillment machine. I'm a person. Don't make me feel objectified and gross.
10. [Assorted anti-LGBT blustering...defend traditional marriage...homosexual agenda...blah blah...bluster bluster] Not even worth a response.

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