Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Useless Statements from Personal Ads

OK, so we've established that writing a personal ad is hard. How can someone be expected to encapsulate their personality, their desires and their dreams in a one-paragraph blurb? I'd suggest that people make room for more substantive stuff by cutting out the following statements that, while occasionally sounding meaningful, actually offer no information at all.

1. "I'm spiritual, not religious." I wouldn't have such a problem with this if just once someone who's made this statement to me had been able to expound on it in any meaningful way. Do you mean that you're basically a Christian, but you have problems with the ways doctrine has been misused as a sledgehammer over the centuries? Then say that. Not sure you believe in God, per se, but think there's Something More? Say that. Do you believe in the healing powers of angels and crystals and now that you think about it, maybe you COULD do the whole Religion thing if you could just find a nice coven to join? Say it. Don't just wave your hands at me and say 'spiritual...Spiiiiiiritual!"

2. "I'm a laid-back girl who loves to have fun!" When people start putting 'I'm uptight and anal-retentive' in their profiles, you can put 'laid-back' to differentiate yourself. Perusing match.com has led me to believe that 98% of all lesbians between the ages of 25 and 50 are laid-back girls who love to have fun. I'm in the 2% that HATES fun.

3. "NO drama!" Methinks the lady doth protest too much. And anyway, who DOES like 'drama' (aside from people with bona fide personality disorders)? I've yet to see an ad that says "Laid-back girl looking for love...hope you will be just like my last bitch of an ex-girlfriend who sent me threatening texts after I tried to break up with her and tried to get me fired from my job at Chik-fil-a by spraypainting 'Amber is a ho' on the drive-thru menu."

More to come.

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